Chapter 4, written by Steve

            Bean was on a rampage comparable only to that of a gay porno movie featuring Satan doing the Hulk in the ass.  Travis knew he had to stop Bean, because this Bean-jo wouldn't just fall out of the sky at any minute.  He found the nearest cactus, and smacked Bean across the face with it.  Now with the real Bean unconscious, Watson and Travis had time to think.

            "Well Ave, either we find Bean's Bean-jo, or we'll have to kill him and live with the Bean from the 43^rd dimension."

            "Ahhhhhh!! What are you saying Watson??? Kill the real Bean???  Are you insane???"

            "Well Ave I once shoved a website in my ass, so if that counts.  But either way, we have to figure out something.  Lets go find the Panda guy and kill him."

            "Sounds good."

            They got back into the ghetto blue van and proceeded to the last known address of the panda.

            "Hmm that's weird, this place looks really familiar," Ave said thoughtfully.

            "Come on!  We'll use the element of surprise to rape him--- I MEAN kill him," Watson said, correcting himself.

            They proceeded to the inside of the garage, which was precariously left open.  Ave tried to pick the lock to the door with his pine tree air fresheners, but much to his chagrin he had no luck.  Watson decided to try a different method.  He turned the knob, and the door opened.

            "Ehh figidente," Ave said feeling foolish.

            They crept into the house without a sound.  None of the lights were on, and the blinds closed, so it was quite dark inside.  Ave assumed the Panda's lazy ass was sleeping, so he kept moving forward, carefully.  Suddenly Ave noticed something strange on a small table.  Out of a slit through the blinds, a small ray of light was shining down on a picture.  Barely able to make it out, Ave noticed a familiar face.  It was none other than David Martin Bak.  'Ahh that's why it seemed so familiar!  This must be Baks house!' Ave thought.  Realizing the foolish mistake they made, Ave called out to Watson.

            "Watson?? Watson where are you??  Damn it Watson are you taking a dump??"

            SUDDENLY someone jumped Ave from the corner of the room, wrapping him in a large bag of some sort.  Ave was rendered unconscious.

20 minutes later

            Ave awoke feeling dizzy in his head and sore in his anus.  He looked aroundfinally a clear face came into view.  Ave lay horrified by what he saw, it was none other than the little Asian kid who had once anally probed Watson.  "Oh no!! Thats why my ass hurts!!!"

            Now as his vision became clearer, out from the shadows stepped 2 rather tall, very Polish men.  It was Watson and Bak.  Bak laughed a sinister laugh that could only come from a man who had once participated in the drive-thru assault of some poor man at McDonalds via Sprite.

            "Hahaha Ave you fool.  Don't you see what's happening?  The only reason you discovered the real Bean was simply so we could lure you here, where you would meet your fate," Bak said evilly.

            "But Watson?!?  What's going on??? I know I'm not Polish but why???"

            "Ethnic background isn't the issue here Ave," Watson said.  "This is a matter of dimension; the 43^rd dimension to be exact.  You see in the 43^rd dimension a corrupt scientist by the name of Hakeem Olajuwon created a space-time distorter.  He now had the ability to shift between alternate realities.  A short time after his creation, he was cut from the Okinawa-Yojimbo Purple and Brown Sox due to old age.  He used a purple and brown light saber to cut off his asshole.  Finally when his body had built up enough waste he spontaneously combusted, poo shattering everywhere."           

            Ave gave a perturbed and disgruntled look.

            "Gruesome I know, but either way the point is his technology found its way into Bak's hands.  And he decided to use it."

            "I traveled from the 43^rd dimension into dimension 1, THIS dimension," Bak explained.  "And I got so annoyed by how stupid and boring all of our lives were in the dimension I decided to take action.  I brought Bino, Watson, and myself into this world just 2 days ago.  We took the regular 3 and had our little Asian friend anally probe them.  He released a toxin into their asses that went backwards into their bloodstream that rendered them unconscious.  Once that happened, rather than kill them, we cryogenically froze them.  But you were more difficult to get to.  The others were easy to unleash surprise attacks on, but we noticed outside your house there was a strange wind current.  Every time we tried to kidnap you and freeze you, we ended up doing a 920 back flip into the stratosphere.  Therefore, we used the frozen Bean to lure you here, where our Ave would take your place."

            "But, but why???  How do you think you're going to make this place less boring???  It's the suburbs, not much can be done!!!"

            "You see with our space-time device, we will travel to different dimensions until we find ways to set dimension 1 right.  Dimension one has a cascading effect on all other dimensions, and the only way to fix the rest, is to fix this one.  And the only way for it to work, is for all 4 of us to work together,"  Watson explained.

            Suddenly out of the shadows came a skinny, blonde-haired kid with an extreme amount of hair.  Ave gasped, as his 43^rd dimension counterpart emerged.

            The 43^rd dimensioners laughed evilly, as suddenly Ave felt a strange poking in his ass.  He turned to see the Asian kid laughing excitedly.

            "Noooooo!!!!" Ave shouted.

            But suddenly out of nowhere a guitar fell out of the sky and landed on the Asian kid's face.  Ave looked up to the sky to see a very low flying helicopter and none other than Dvak was hanging off the edge, throwing guitars and amps at the evil 43^rd dimensioners.

            "Damn it Ave, get out of there!!!  Red, take us 40 degrees to the right," Dvak yelled.

            Ave used his cross country skills to escape, as Bak, Watson, and the evil Ave ducked for cover from the musical rampage.

            "Red beam him up!!!" Dvak yelled.  Red the wiener dog, piloting the copter, made some strange disgruntled noises when suddenly it hit Dvak that transporters had not been invented yet.  "Ahh to hell with him," he said.

            But the real Bean, who was sitting next to him, yelled, "No we have to get to him, he's the only one who knows what's going on."

            Ave raced out of Bak's yard and made his way into the woods.  He was safe for the moment.  Soon the helicopter landed in his backyard, and out came Dvak, Red, and the real Bean.

            "What the hell???  Bean how did you wake up??? I owned you with that cactus."

            "Lucky for you Ave, Red got out of the house today, and he wondered all the way to Oswego.  He found Bean lying there in a field and dragged him all the way back to my house," Dvak explained.  "I revived him and when he came to he started yelling about a Bean-jo, but then he calmed down and told me he had been abducted by the 43^rd dimensioners, and that they were the ones that stole his Bean-jo."

            "But Red's only a wiener dog, how could he have done all that???"

            "Don't fuck with Red Ave, he'll puke right in your face," Dvak said.

            "We knew we had to stop the madness, but we didn't know where you and Watson had gone.  So we borrowed an experimental tractor helicopter from Farm and Fleet and covered a lot more ground that way," Bean told him.

            "Thank you guys, I owe you my life.  But what about all your musical instruments???  You just wasted hundreds of dollars saving me!" Ave exclaimed.

            "Ehh it's no biggy," Dvak explained.  "I'll just tell my insurance company I was robbed and they'll cover 400% of the cost."

            "Wow that's game," Ave said.  "But what the hell do we do now???"

            "Well", Bean started, "we've got to figure out what happened to the real Bak and the real Watson.  I mean they left me in Oswego, but I don't know where they are."

            "Well", Travis said, "there is one way to find out."

            A few minutes later they were back at Bak's house.  Checking to make sure the 43^rd dimensioners were gone, they proceeded to the little Asian kid on the ground.  As they expected, the 43rders had thought the Asian kid was dead, not realizing that Dvak had dropped his ancient Castilla guitar on the Asian kid, and anyone who knew anything about that guitar would realize it could never kill.

            Ave used another cactus to revive the Asian kid.  As he awoke he was startled, and scared.  He made no sounds.

            "Little evil Asian kid, you've got to help us!!" Bean explained.  "I don't think you realize what you were doing!  I know you love anally probing people, but I have a deal for you that would give you the ability to probe people whenever you wanted.  That is, IF you help us."

            The Asian kid looked excited, but skeptical.

            "All you have to do, is tell us where the real Watson and Bak are."

            The Asian kid still was silent.

            "Alright look I'll give you a taste of what we'll give you.  Red, come over here."

            Red made some grunting noises and came to Bean's side.

            "Ok little Asian kid, you can probe this dog.  He'll like it, and so will you.  And we can show you wheres there's hundreds more dogs like this.  Just try it."

            The little Asian kid picked up his tools, and slowly inserted them into Red's ass.  He made a chirping sound similar to that of a bird being run over by a semi-truck, but he remained calm.

            The Asian kid smiled.  He was clearly enjoying this. He hesitated but then he finally spoke.  "Wasson an Bak, they ah buried in youw old backyaad," he said with an Asian accent of some sort.

            "Awesome!  OK NOW RED!!" Bean yelled.

            Right on command Red took a huge dump all over the Asian kid's face, as a result, the kid was suffocated by poo and he died a terrible death.

            Now that the kid was deceased, Travis decided to taunt him.  "Yea that's right bitch!! You little KID, yea that's right kid!!"  After the taunting, he placed one of his pine tree air fresheners on the rancid pile of poo in memorial of the little anus child.

            "Alright let's get to my old house," Bean exclaimed.

A few minutes later

            Tragic it was that the old Gambino house still looked exactly as it had in the day of Bean.  Even the mailbox still said 'Gambino' on it, and Bean was haunted by an array of memories every time he laid eyes on it.  They proceeded around to the backyard but unfortunately everything looked normal.  The pool had obviously been dismantled, but the rest was very similar to what Bean remembered.

            "Man it smells like ass back here," Dvak commented.

            "That's a good sign, that likely means there was some anal probing done here not too long ago," Bean said.

            Meanwhile Travis had wandered ahead near some bushes in the back of the yard.  Suddenly Travis slipped in a very slight hole right in front of the bushes.  He was catapulted forward by his inability to walk right over the head of the bushes and he vanished.

            "DUUUuuuuuUUUUde!" Bean heard the scream of death and knew Travis was in trouble.  Himself, Dvak, and Red all ran to the back of the yard where the screaming was heard.  They saw the hole Travis had tripped on and made sure to avoid it.  They peered over the bushes and now saw what they had feared.  Travis was invariably trapped in a much larger hole on the other side of the bushes.  "Duuuuuude get me outta here!" he yelled like a rabid wild animal.  "Hey wait a minute, there's some weird blinking lights down here."

            "Travis you found them!!" Bean yelled.  "It's probably the cryo tubes that Watson and Bak are frozen in.  Hold on. Dont open them up yet.  We'll lift them out using the helicopter."

            "Let's go Red," Dvak said as they made their way back to the copter.

            "Not so fast!" a voice yelled.

            Bean knew the voice all too well.  It was none other than Bean, the 43^rd dimensioner.

            "Good thing they left me here to guard the other two," the evil Bean said.  In his hand he held a thermal rocket implosion flamethrower with a curious addition of a silencer and scope.  They all froze, faced with impending death.

            From the side of the house emerged the evil Watson, Bak, and Travis.

            "Good hit Bean, now it's time we take over this dimension for good.  And since we ran out of cryo tubes, we'll just have to kill you.  OOOHHAHAHAHA!" Watson said with the most sinister of laughs.

            "Wait a minute," the evil Travis started.  "Where's Ave???";

            Suddenly just moments after he spoke an Addidas shoe came flying out from the bushes and hit the evil Travis in the face.  The real Ave had let Watson and Bak out of their tubes, and was standing on their shoulders just over the hole.  He had turned his pine freshener medallion into a lethal slingshot.  Just seconds later, he was able to launch his other shoe and nail the evil Bak in the face.

            In the moment of confusion Bean lunged at his evil twin, knocking the thermal rocket implosion flamethrower aside.  The Beans wrestled to the ground, each trying to make a break for the gun.      

            The evil Watson suddenly made a run for the flamethrower.  But Dvak jumped on him, knocking him to the ground.  An epic battle raged between Dvak and the evil Watson near the side of Bean's house.  The evil Watson had clearly gained some fighting skills through the abductions of the real Watson, Bean, and Bak.  Dvak was outmatched.  He took a blow to the face and was knocked to the ground.  But just as he thought he was a goner, he saw a faint orange color just within reach.  It was an old basketball of Bean's, that hadn't been found.  It was buried behind some brush near the fence.  Just as Watson was about to go for the kill, Dvak grabbed the ball and hit Watson in the face with it.  Dvak suddenly grabbed the evil Watson by the throat, and from the side of the house jumped into the air doing a 920, and tomahawk jammed the evil Watson into Bean's old disgruntled basketball hoop.

            "You should have let me come play basketball with you, you smelly son of a bitch."

            "Don't anybody move!!!" a voice interrupted the mayhem.  The evil Ave and Bak had recovered from the devastating Addidas trauma, and they now held the thermal rocket implosion flamethrower.

            But now a strange sound emanated from the distance.  Everyone looked around, unable to determine what was going on.  The sound got louder and louder when suddenly out from the sky fell 4 black tractor tires onto Travis and Bak.  Again the flamethrower was knocked aside.  Red had escaped the scene to grab the tractor helicopter, and he had ejected the extra grooved Farm and Fleet high quality tires.

            Again the Beans fought, pushing, shoving, punching, and raping each other in the asshole.  Just as the evil Bean was about to grab the gun, Travis was hurdled out of the hole by the real Bak and Watson.  He grabbed the gun and aimed it for the evil Bean's head.

            "Travis nooooo!!! It's me Bean!!!"  the Bean yelled.

            Travis was now caught in a gameless dilemma.  Both Bean's looked exactly alike.  Travis's head began to spin, he could feel the impending spontaneous combustion, but suddenly he remembered a long lost notebook.

            "If you're the real Bean, then where's your notebook of old comics???"

            Both Beans looked at each other.  The one closest to Travis's gun pondered but then spoke.  "The notebook??? Oh well I have it it's in my room somewhere in my closet."

            Travis smiled.  "Flossitude.  If you were the Bean from MY reality, you would have shuttered as you told me that it WAS LOST FOREVER before you even moved to Oswego."

            "It's time for you and your evilness to go back to the 43^rd dimension."

            Dvak and Red rolled out the space-time distorter from inside the old Gambino residency.  They then broke the rim off of Bean's old hoop with the evil Watson inside and threw him next to the array of Farm and Fleet tired.  The evil Bean proceeded as well, with the thermal rocket implosion flamethrower aimed at his back.

            Red made some strange drunken noises while flipping random switches with the teleporter.  Suddenly a green beam of light shown over the four evil twins and with that, they were transported back to the 43^rd dimension.

            "Wow we owned those bitches," Travis said feeling quite confident.  He took a triumphant sniff of his remaining pine air fresheners, and promptly passed out.

            Bean made his way to the hole and helped pull the real Watson and Bak out.

            "Good lord Bean what the hell happened???" Watson exclaimed.  "All I remember is being abducted by some evil guys that looked like you and me, then Travis waking me up and explaining how he loved cock or something."

            "Hey who doesn't like a good rotisserie chicken these days??" Dvak said.  "I mean I know I like my cock golden brown."

            "AUL!!!" Bean said disgustedly.

            Suddenly a flash of purple and brown light appeared in the place of the evil 43^rd dimensioners.  The space-time distorter began shaking violently.  Red started screeching, and soon after he had crapped all over the controls.

            Now as the light vanished a strange choir music was emanating from the sky.  A mystical glow appeared around a square object next to a purple and brown light saber. 

            Bean turned to Watson and gasped.  He approached the glowing light and knelt down.  It was his old notebook of comics, with a strange purple and brown inscription on the last page.  It read:

Dear all the real valleyians,

            It has been a difficult time for me.  I was cut from the Okinawa-Yojimbo Purple and Brown Sox because I am at the latter stage of my career.  Like in NBA, there is just no respect for the veterans.  I became very depressed and all I did was stay home and surf the net.  I came to a strange website called 1watson.com.  I decided to leave a post on the guest book, but in the middle of it I had to take a dump (I had a bad case of diarrhea).  When I left, my stupid cat jumped onto the mouse pad and submitted my comments before they were complete.  Somehow these kids became curious about me, and they used Bak's master computer skills to find my IP address.  They used the information to get my home address.  When they came to my home they discovered the space-time distorter and stole it.  There was a little Asian kid, and he somehow probed my anus.  He said he had never probed a 7-footer before, and it gave him great pleasure.  They locked me in my bathroom and used the power of my space-time distorter for evil.  But while they were gone I was able to escape.  I traced back their steps and while they were gone, I was able to find your old notebook of comics.  I knew you had lost it, as I have visited your dimension many times.  I decided to give you back this notebook and my light saber for catching the evil twins of yours and transporting them back to my dimension.  Do not worry, I will make sure they pay for what they tried to do.  Please, destroy the distorter, it can only bring evil.  Also, please find the makers of NBA Street Volume 2 and kill them for not putting me in their game.  Thank you.  Remember, the Dream Shake will never die.

Sincerely,

Hakeem.

            Bean now looked back up at Watson.  He nodded in a gameful approval.  Bean began to page through the old masterpieces that had eluded him.  In Hakeems honor they all celebrated by playing a game of NBA Street, the original game.

            Now with the evil twins gone, Travis passed out, Bean with his comics, and Red dumping everywhere, it was clear, all was well in the Valley once again.