The story told today was based on a true story. Names
of the characters were changed and the jokes were fitted to the new names in order to protect those who engaged in the true
story. - Steven Garlick
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* * *
Travis is diligently working on a chemistry project when he decides
to fail the class and play his new NBA Courtside 2002 instead. He turns the game on and marvels at the moving creatures
being transmitted through the screen. His eyes widen as the introductory highlight reel flashes across the screen.
The intro plays, and Travis gets interested in something else.
Six hours later, Travis returns to his television where Courtside 2002 was sitting
quietly, waiting to be played. He continues where he left off, choosing exhibition mode.
"MOREHEAD UNIVERSITY!!!"
Travis shrieks when asked who his team will be. After realizing that they aren't a pro basketball team, he reluctantly
chooses the lowly Sacramento Kings. For the opposition? "Nah, I don't care," he says, and clicks on the team that
is already there, the Los Angeles Lakers. But as the game begins, it becomes apparent that Satan's magic has reared
its ugly head before the innocent Travis and his NBA Courtside 2002.
"Wait! I AM THE LAKERS!!!" he cries as he realizes his mistake.
Before he can adjust the situation before him, Peja Stojakovic scores over Kobe to make the score 2 to 0. Travis now
realizes his mission: to conquer the team he once loved, to defeat everything he has knwn to be great in this world.
Using only his wit and his basketball skillz, Travis embarks on the most dangerous mission of his life.
As the game progresses, Travis gets two consecutive shot clock
violations because he kept dribbling with his back to the basket, therefore not realizing that time was expiring. Travis
also cannot get the ball into Shaq, only Samaki Walker.
With 2:50 left in the first quarter, Travis gets a revelation.
"Oh, this is BASKETBALL!" he discovers. This makes his 14-0 defecit make more sense. Finding the right duration
and degree of pushing the yellow 'X' button, Travis makes Derek Fisher spin like a ballerina, jump out a window and do a difficult
inverted 900 degree varial twist into the stratosphere, return in a split second, and make a three pointer with 23 seconds
remaining in the first quarter. Bill Walton, the acclaimed in-game color commentator, announces "Wow, this guy is a
gunner. He must take 40 shots a game or something. Phil Jackson wants to take him out because he knows that as
soon as the ball gets to this guy's hands, it's going to the hoop." Dick Stockton, the play-by-play man, argues Fisher's
point by saying "Wait a minute! Michael Jordan shoots 40 shots a game! Would you call him a gunner?" Bill
Walton gets trapped in a corner and replies idiotically "No, I would call that extremely disciplined."
Travis gets confused by the mindless bickering, but nontheless
continues the game. He dishes the ball the Rick Fox for a layup to make the score 18-4 at the end of the first quarter.
Travis goes to the stats sheet to see who his leading scorer is, and he realizes that it's Kobe with 30. Once again,
Travis gets confused because 30 points doesn't fit into the Laker's 4 total points, no matter how hard you squeeze.
He then goes to see the score snd realizes it's now 62 to 43 with the Kings on top. Watson calls Travis and tells him
that the increased scoring is due to David Stern's desire to make basketball more flashy and offensive-oriented. Travis
asks how Watson knew what was going on, and he replies with "SATAN". He then hung up, and Travis started the 2nd quarter.
As the 2nd quarter wears on, Travis slowly gets the hang of the
game, scoring 6 unanswered points. But then Chris Webber hits a 16 point basket (Stern's idea that was implemented 30
seconds earlier) to increase the lead to 78 to 49. Travis realizes that the 16 point line is no farther away than the
free throw line, so he scores 64 points in a row as halftime occurrs. Travis becomes cocky with his 153-120 lead, and
destruction soon follows.
At halftime, a hideous beast resembling the Monstars from Space
Jam, appears on the screen. "How about we up the wager a little bit, eh TRAVIS?" Travis is momentarily stunned
by the monstar knowing his name, but he then asks him what he wants. The monstar replies that if Travis loses, all of
his friends will disappear and everyone would make fun of him for the rest of his life. Travis snickers and says, "Wait
a minute, I thought we were making a bet! You wager doesn't affect my life whatsoever!"
Once he realizes what he had just said, Travis starts to cry.
The monstar then comes up with a new bet: if Travis loses, Incubus will be disintegrated so they never existed.
This new bet riles up Travis's blood to the point that he wails "DUUUUUUU THAT WOULD BE HORRIBLE!!! But OK, I'll do
it. But if I win, you have to add the phrase 'itude' to every word you say." The monstar agrees, and the 2nd half
begins.
Kobe decides to heat up in the 3rd. He shoots 11 for 37
in the quarter, and Watson comes over to brag about Kobe's big night. Travis silences him, and continues his mission.
Samaki Walker hits a magic shot, where dice get rolled to decide how many points the basket is worth (Stern again).
The dice roll to a negative 6, and after two quick shots by Doug Christie, the Lakers go down by 15. Travis starts to
cry again, and Watson silences HIM this time. The third quarter ends with the Lakers trailing by 48.
"EEEEK!" Travis squeals. He puts on his determined face
(one that rarely a soul has seen) and begins the fight of his life. Shaq increases his strength to 'Superman Mode' and
injures everyone on the Kings team except Bobby Jackson, Sacramento's most well-kept secret. Because of the refs' lenience
of Shaq's physicality down low, he picks up his one and only measly foul call. Bobby Jackson retrieves his own inbounds
pass and weaves through all 5 of the Lakers for an easy layup. Kobe then hits a 35 point basket to tie the game!
A few seconds later, Jackson jumps from the 3 point line and dunks the ball, displaying his amazing abilities.
With only 6 seconds left in the game, Travis looks for answers.
Nobody on the Lakers is good enough to win the game for him as long as Bobby Jackson is on the floor. All hope seems
lost. At that moment, Watson shouts some nonsense and points to a small button on Travis's controller. Travis
squints his eyes to read the fine print and realizes that the button reads "WIN". Travis presses the button and the
final horn sounds, ending the game. Travis looks at the final score: LA Lakers 245, the Kings 244.
Travis shouts in triumph, knowing that he has prevented the extinction
of one of the best bands alive. Watson goes and eats some stuff, and the Bean stands alone. The monstar reappears
on the screen, burps really loudly. "BAH-itude!!" the monstar concludes.
EL FIN
