A BIT DAZED AND CONFUSED, just like a movie with the same name, Bean woke up in Ave's room.
Standing over him was Watson and Avis. Nato would have been standing there too, but he was still laughing at the spiderweb
stuck on Ave's bedroom closet.
"Aww aww what happened?" inquired a dazed Bean.
"Well, after I lost to you by the score of 21-6, I went on a rampage, massacred the cow
population of Botswana, and then I threw Ave's Playstation in the air. It landed on your stomach, and its weight forced
you to barf up all the food you've ever eaten in your entire life. Fortunately though, you also puked up the gay Trisket,"
explained a resourceful yet destructive Watson.
"Oh, Ok.........Wait a second!! Travis!! Didn't you fly out the window and spontaneously
combust?? What are you doing back here?" asked Bean.
"Oh yeah! Sorry!" Ave replied. Again, Avis promptly flew out the window, did
a 920 in the stratosphere, and spontaneously combusted............................
The Epic, Part II
AS BEAN, WATSON, NATO, AND a discombobulated, vomit-covered
Playstation laughed their asses off in Ave's bedroom, Avis was flying into the gaseous region of air known as the stratosphere.
The fact that Ave had no idea how in the hell he was flying without the use of any known technology in the world did not bother
him in the least. With a mighty "Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, fiiiiiiggggguuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!!!!", Ave began to perform his signature
920, which was always a prelude to his splediferously spontaneous combustion sequence. Avis was just beginning to feel
his body heat up in preparation of the combustion, when out of nowhere came an Iraqi SCUD missile from 1989!!! Moving
at the speed of duex, the SCUD bitch-slapped a partially-blackened Ave out of the sky, and into a pile of dog poop.
Knocked unconcious by the force of impact, a very charred Ave sunk slowly into dementia.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN Ave's room, Bean was re-teling his account of his voyage into the 43rd
dimension.
"And Watson, you were there, but you were a...a...a pimp-Watson!" said Bean. "And
you were like 'hmmm I suppose...' when you were with that Texan ho!!"
"Hmm, I suppose you were mistaken. I would never say a thing like that, you sick
fuck," retorted Watson.
"You said it just now, you dentist!" replied Bean.
"Hmm, I suppose I have..." Watson pondered. Watson then proceeded to change his name
to Milford, become a CEO for Intel, get fired, and change his name back to Watson, all in a span of one microsecond.
"And then I saw Frank, except he called himself Sausolito!" recalled Bean. "And you
won't believe this, but he was drinking.......Robitussen!!!! Can you believe that??"
"Bean, have you been unconcious in Finland for the last 12 years? We've always made
fun of Frank for getting high off cough syrup!" said Watson, pointing out the obvious to an oblivious Bean. All of a
sudden, Ave's room fell eerily silent. The hysterical laughter from Nato had ceased. All Nato could do was open
and close his mouth without making a sound, and point to the doorway. SomeTHING was standing in Ave's room.
THE FIGURE STANDING in Ave's doorway had on Travis's familiar J-Will jersey. It was
about the same height as Travis. It even SMELLED like Travis, although at the precise moment I am writing this, I haven't
the faintest idea how Trav smells. However, in spite of all these similarities, there was one major difference....because
of only being partially combusted, Ave had turned BLACK.
"Ummm, blackitude?" shouted Nato, and he began to point at Ave and laugh uncontrollably.
With a cool, swift motion, Ave pulled out a gold-plated thermal rocket implosion flame thrower from his diamond-encrusted
medallion, and torched Nato.
"All y'all are wiggas!" shouted Ave.
"Travis, you're not black! You just covered yourself in dog poop, you fleigart!"
said a keenly observant Bean.
"Ehh, I'm caught-itude," Ave meekly replied. Meanwhile Watson, utterly disgusted,
threw up his arms in agony and ran out of the room making his little German pig squeal sound.
TO CALM WATSON down, Bean decided that they should all order a pizza. It would be
the pizza of all existence; it would be the pizza the OWNED. Unfortunately, neither Bean nor Ave could think of a pizza
place to call! If Nato had an idea of whom to call, he wasn't able to tell anyone because he had discovered John Stockton's
ability to miss every dunk in NBA Street, and was laughing his ass off at that.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuu," duexed Avis. "Why don;t we like, ORDER-ITUDE from Bak-itude-itude??"
"I congratulate you Travis, on your simple yet deductive strategy," echoed Bean.
Saying this, he then proceeded to dial the number for Bella Pronto Pizza.
"Hello, is Bak there? We shall orderith one pizza!" said Bean.
"A gravelly voice on the other end uttered, "Bak......Baaak? Ohh.....Baaaak!
Heee iisss FIRED!"
"What did Berk do?" inquired Watso.
"It seems that after Bak saw the movie 'Pollock', he mis-interpreted it for "Polack", and
he went insane. He grabbed a bucket, a $60 John Stockton card, and donned a strange HamBakler outfit. Oh by the
way," added Bean, "Bak was last seen at Rob A's house, trying to put Rob A in a blender." Watson, Bean, Ave, and even
Nato paused for a moment at this vile obscenity that had occurred.
WHILE BAK WAS off somewhere trying to do his Rob A In A Blender impersonation, the planets
stood still. Nato, managing for once to NOT laugh, uttered a statement that actually held some sort of good for mankind.
"WE MUST SAVE BAK!!!" bellowed Nato at the bottom, middle, and top of his lungs.
Watson, Bean, and Ave, joining the afore-mentioned planets, stood still in disbelief.
"Hmmm, I suppose..."began Bean.
"Damnit Bean! You are trying to steal my line!" whined Watson.
"I shannot stealith thou'st line-ith," retorted Bean in an unnecessary Shakespearian tone
of voice.
"Hmmm, I suppose we could save Bak...," Watson thought out loud, now that he had reclaimed
his line that Bean had stolen from him. "But how in the hee-haw-hiddely are we gonna do that? Bak is on a rampage!"
AS IF THE GODS had been listening in on Ave's room, a beat-up, rusty looking brown Cadillac
fell out of the sky and crashed through the ceiling. Emerging from the rubble came NBA journeyman Greg "Cadillac" Anderson!!!
"Hey, keeids," said the 'Cadillac'. "Ah wowna heylp yeee-u!" Apparently, Mr.
Anderson was not a very literate type of being.
"Dude Cadillac, how can we stop Bak? And if you can help, then can you make it quick,
because I have to floss my garden and after that I have to vaccuum my driveway," questioned Ave. Immediately after this
statement by Avis, Bean and Watson ridiculed him for many a nanosecond.
"Ah know whut ta do!" bellowed Cadillac. "Dey is dis one playa on duh Powtland Twail-Bwazas
named Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje. I weel givuh you guyz dis man, an' he weel heylp you." After listening to Mr. Anderson's
illiterate bumbling, the group set off the find Bak, and wonder what in the hell "Cadillac" was talking about.
THEY FOUND BAK OUTSIDE Rob A's house, and Bak was definately on a rampage. He was
rampaging so hard, the earth shook with his bellowing. He was rampaging so hard, the sky trembled. HE WAS RAMPAGING
SO HARD.......ok, he wasn't rampaging THAT insanely.
"Bak, what in the Okinawa-wawa are you doing?" exclaimed a mentally, emotionally, and to
top it off, sick Bean. Bak was................saying Boochi Boochi Boochi Boochi Boochi! All in the vicinity were
frightened, and squealed. However, Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje knew what to do.
"Hey Bak!" yelled Boumtje-Boumtje. "Why don't you stop yelling Boochi Boochi Boochi
and come cheer for the Blazers instead?"
"Don't mind if I do!" shouted Bak. "I have what it takes!" So for the rest
of eternity, even though the Blazers sucked royally, they knew that whenever things were bad, Bak would always be cheering
for them.
For now, instead of yelling Boochi Boochi Boochi, he now yelled Boumtje Boumtje Boumtje!
Bak eventually became a constant video game character in NBA street, as the one playable character who was a fan in real life.
And instead of Nato laughing at dilapidated spider webs and empty cans of Pringles, he could now laugh at Bak, the video game
charatcer who missed more easy dunks than John Stockton.
THE END
