Well well well . . . this isn't the REAL history of The Valley.  But if you think about it long enough, it IS kind of a history.  An extremely exagerrated, hilarious history, but it has some truth to it.  For instance, I really was choking on a Trisket all night, and I really did beat Watson 21-6 in one game (lol, sorry Watts).  The rest of the story is a gigantic mix of wacky stuff. WARNING:  if you don't know what the hell is going on in this story, don't worry.  It is basically a huge inside joke.  And now, the greatest literary work of all time:  The Epic.

A PS2, five bored friends, and NBA Street: the perfect inspiration for The Epic.      BEAN WAS RESTLESSLY sinking into dementia.  As he was whomping the lowly Knicks in NBA Street, Bean had made the fatal mistake of trying to perform some dunk other than the 'ground-shaker' while simultaneously eating a Trisket.  "HARFHARF GAGGLESNORT HARF PHAROES UP THE BOOYAH BABY UGHHAWW ARFFF!" coughed Bean in vain.  However, his plea fell upon deaf ears, as Watson was too absorbed in Glen Rice's bulging 3-dimensional biceps.  Well, Bean's plea wasn't exactly NOT heard, but Avis and Nato were both so into the whompage that I reckon if they were told to go dig a dentist, they would certainly floss-itude.  Indeed, at that precise moment, when Nato told Ave to dig a dentist, Ave replied, "Ehhh, altitude-itude!!!"  Ave promptly flew out the window, did a 920 in the sratosphere, and spontaneously combusted.  At this time, Bean was struggling with whomping Watson AND not being dead.  As he pulled off a quadruple-alley oop to end the game, he gave a dooshy gurgle, and terminated his existence.  Just in case you are too dumb to understand what "terminate" means, in this case it means Bean is dead.  "Wait a second!  How did you do a quadruple alley oop?  You only have 3 players you sick fuck!!  In order to do a quadruple, you would need 4 players.  Seeing as the game designers saw fit to only have 3 players per team, therefore your quadruple alley oop ceases to be, on charges that you dont have enough damn players!!!  I hereby sentence you to DIE, bizotch!"  said Watson, failing to realize that Bean was already, and without any warning, DEAD.  Nato didn't notice either, because he was busy laughing at a spiderweb stuck on Ave's bedroom closet.      THE SOUL OF BEAN was falling into a pit of non-existence.  "Uhoh, this shannot be good!  Isn't hell down, and heaven up?  Or wait, is it hell up, and heaven down?  Do you?.......Do.....dAWWWWWWW??"  Bean riddled to himself.  However, Bean failed to comprehend the severity of his destiny.  At the precise moment of his death, a speck of dust landed on some planet zillions of light years away, which INFINATELY UPSET THE BOUNDARIES OF THE PARALLEL OONIVER!!!!!!!!  Unknown to Bean, who thought he had died and was falling down to hell (or heaven, whichever one is down), he was actually falling SIDEWAYS.  And as everyone in the shoe polish section of Wal-Mart knows, falling sideways can only mean one thing....the 43rd dimension!       MAKING AN EVIL "REEENEEOLIOILIOIOY" sound as he landed, Bean saw that he was back in Ave's house.  "Ave!!!  Where are you duuuuuuuuuuuuuu?"  cried Bean.  Feeling about as low as a toy placed on a low shelf, Bean decided to trudge to Watson's house.  As soon as he reached the outside, Bean was astounded to see a cloud raining Robitussen cough syrup all over the Valley, which was now called the Mountain.  Bean only saw one person outside during the deluge, wearing a torn Structure shirt, and running around in circles with his mouth open, swallowing all the Robitussen he could.  "Frank!! Oh my.....how come every time I go to the Valley, Frank is there??"  pondered Bean.  The person ran up to Bean, saying "Who are you??  You called me Frank!!  Frank is dead!!  Diplomacy is dead!  I have been reborn!!  You may call me....Sausolito!!!  AHAHAHA!!!"  Bean, perplexed as to why Frank is now known as Sausolito, hid behind a tree and whimpered.  As he hid, Bean heard a strange porno tune from where Watson's house was.  Running to the source, he found that Watson's house was now shaped like a Texas ten-gallon cowboy hat!  Bean could now here the music more clearly....."I go to the islands!  It is very very fun!!  I go to the islands!  They are very very fun!"  Casually, a rrabbut strolled up to Bean.  "Hmm, you look like you need some porn!" said the rrabbut.  Confused, Bean asked, "Who the hell are you??  Rrabbuts dont talk!!  Rrabbuts eat carrots!!  But oh well, what's this porno you are talking about?"  Swiftly, the rrabbut bounded up the the door of Watson's pimpish ten gallon hat-shaped house.  To Bean's surprise, Mandy, Bean's ex-girlfriend was there, as the doorman!  Except this time, Mandy was really a man.  On her name tag it even spelled her name "Man-dy".  Utterly disgusted, Bean recoiled from the sight like a bolt of doosh.  "Price of entry to Wild Willy Watso's Western Ho Hut....5 woodchips," Mandy uttered in a man-ish way.  Bean grabbed a handful of woodchips from around Watson's lamp-post, and was adimitted inside.       "WATSON ISN'T a pimp!  What the die is goin on around here?" wondered Bean.  As soon as Bean entered Watson's room....Bean could not believe what Bean was seeing with Bean's own eyes!!  Watson was dressed in a cowboy outfit-thong suit, and there was a 17/f from Texas with him!!  "Mmmmm, how would you like to see me......nudey?"  the Texan ho asked the pimp-Watson.  "Hmmm, I suppose..." said the incredibly smooth pimp-Watson.  Bean, hiding in pimp-Watson's sock drawer, then proceeded to watch pimp-Watson get a chair, and a bunk bed.  "Aww aww, I cannot see-ith this!!!" cried out a depraved Bean.  "Watson what has happened to you???  Does 'thou shant do-ith thy wife?' make any sense to you anymore??"  The pimped Watson told a shadow in the corner of hisroom to turn down the porno island music.  Bean turned on the lights and almost got his head chopped off with pimp-Watson's incredibly low ceiling fan.  However, as the room lit up, the shadow in the corner closely resembled Bak in a humburger suit.  "Hmmm, I suppose...I mean, I dont know who you are Bean," said the pimp-Watson.  "Wait! You said my name!  You said Bean!! Bean Bean Bean!!!!!" said Bean, slightly intoxicated.  "Umm, I didn't say Bean, Bean," said the pimp-Watson.  "You said it again!" cried Bean.  "Now you've done it!!!  You are my arch-nemesis!!  If you'd cease to exist, we would all be better off!!!" screamed pimp-Watson, who pulled out a thermal rocket implosion flame thrower.  He proceeded to torch the wall directly behind Bean.  "Damnit, ham-Bakler!  I need some action fight-scene music here!" ordered pimp-Watson.      HAM-BAKLER, receiving pimp-Watson's command, proceeded to say "Boochi Boochi Boochi Boochi Boochi Boochi" over and over again.  Meanwhile Bean, copying the Matrix like about 95% of all current action movies, hung suspended in air while somersaulting to avoid pimp-Watson's rocket blasts.  "You damn damner!  Neva cheyla me!!!!"  screamed the chaotic pimp-Watson, watching as rocker blast after rocket blast missed Bean by a mile.  Suddenly, Bean saw everything unfold in slow motion, then stop completely.  Just like in Clive Barker's Undying, Bean held in his hand a glowing green rock.  With some uncertainty, he proceeded to walk up to a poster of Shaquille O'Neal, and as soon as he was near the poster, the rock practically shot out light like crazy!  "Loooooooooook arrrrrroooouunnnd..." said the ghostly voice of Shaq.  Bean then Scryed, and he saw a floating monster thing near pimp-Watson!  As soon as the Scrye stopped, the natural flow of time resumed.  "Yyyyoouuuu, sonn-ovvv-a-bitchhhhh!!" said the pimp-Watson as he looked up and saw the floating monster.  The monster then proceeded to grab pimp-Watson and bite his head off.  Bean looked on distraught, then saw the hot nudey Texan, blah-blah-blahed, then cooked Ham-Bakler over a charcoal grille.      AFTER BLASTING the Texan back to Texas, Bean still had unanswered questions.   "Why the hell is everything so dooshy in the Valley...I mean, the Mountain?"   Suddenly, a car fell from the sky onto pimp-Watson's basketball hoop, and out emerged Hakeem Olajuwan and his faithful dog, Einstein.  "Hakeem!!!  Que programas favaritos bitch?"  asked Bean, in his most friendly tone.  "Woof" was all Hakeem could say.  "Ahem....eggscuse me!!!  I am ze mind ov Hakeem.  Hakeem is no longer ze centy ov de Rockets!"  said the dog, Einstein.  "Uh, yeah, no shit dumbass" said Bean politely.  "Where the hell am I?"  The dog took out a portable NASA Mission Control Center from his dog leash and proceeded to tell Bean of his dire fate that had befallen him.  "Woa my doosha!!!  I am in the 43rd dimension!!"  screamed a frightened Bean.  "What shant I do?"  Hakeem lifted his leg and began to take a piss on a fire hydrant.  Oblivious to this obscene action, the dog replied, "En order to return to ze normal dimension, you must marry a Sim!!!"        AMAZINGLY, JUST AS SOON as the dog uttered those fateful words, no one other than Rebecca Hotty appeared!  "Emble mohum ehh ehh, izzap muhammuh pomble keh inna!" said Rebecca.  "I have no idea what the fuck she just said," said Bean, "but ok, I'll marry her.  After all, if I get more relationship points, I can get promoted!!"  Bean made a ring out of shrapnel from his battle with pimp-Watson, while Rebecca fashioned hers out of dog crap left behind by Hakeem.  They were now married!  "I do," uttered Bean.  "Hembo ummla," replied Rebecca.  Instantly, Bean discovered that the pieces did indeed fit, then he exploded, and was out like C3P0 in "Neva No".      A BIT DAZED AND CONFUSED, just like a movie with the same name, Bean woke up in Ave's room.  Standing over him was Watson and Avis.  Nato would have been there too, but he was still laughing at the spiderweb stuck on Ave's bedroom closet. "Aww aww what happened?" inquired a dazed Bean.  "Well, after I lost to you by the score of 21-6, I went on a rampage, massacred the cow population of Botswana, and then I threw Ave's Playstation in the air.  It landed on your stomach, and its weight forced you to barf up all the food you've ever eaten in your entire life.  Fortunately though, you also puked up the gay Trisket,"  explained a resourceful yet destructive Watson.  "Oh,ok........Wait a second!! Travis!! Didn't you fly out the window and spontaneously combust?? What are you doing back here?" asked Bean.  "Oh yeah! Sorry!" Ave replied.  Again, Avis promptly flew out the window, did a 920 in the stratosphere, and spontaneously combusted.  "Now thats what I call 'duuuuuuu'!!" said Bean.  Pondering what the hell Bean just said, all in the room shrugged their shoulders and laughed their asses off like they do 98.234% of the time.                                                           The End . . . ?